shock and awe

i tend to think of shock only in the context of unpleasant events. i'm remembering, now, i can also be jarred by that sudden release of tension which comes with unexpected success. keeping my bearings in the aftershock of victory will be a delightful exercise, i imagine. one i am keen for.

see, the last few weeks have found me battling phantoms and spending my strength with little to show for it. the only way to calm the storm in my brain, i find, is to sit so still, even i forget i am here. from the outside, it must seem an interesting exercise for a whirling-dervish like me ... watching me resist the urge to talk, talk, talk ... my vulnerability revealing itself in ways that challenge my self-control.

i am feeling my way through an awkward space - between places and events - belonging to all and none at the same time and wishing desperately for a space (& time?) to call my own. it's a difficult trip to navigate and the events of past days have left me slightly unnerved.

i imagine it's a hard lesson for those who love me ... my need for solitude. friends will call, come near, come home and i seem irritated (for i am irritated); they interrupt my train of thought, break into the dreamy silence of my day - wince as they see the expression on my face, hear the timbre of my voice - like a closed door - as if i've gone inside some room in my mind where i'm writing or dreaming.

i cannot help it, would not change it. i am who i am and i do what i do. i can only behave in a style that is the most true of 'me.' i can't force that truth. it comes with surrender and the decision to sing out and allow it to escape.

and, sometimes, it's a silent song ... for me alone.

writing, tending the truth, is a private thing. i protect my thoughts as i would my sex. sharing only what i'd like, when i'd like, with the persons only of my choosing. it is a process i do not wish to lay bare. (and it's pleasures are intense for those who engage in it.)

at the same time, i know that everything that radiates light or love is dependent upon something else and only through these dependencies do we discover that everything is related, each thing to the other. awareness of my own dependency on others is the key which will unlock the door to my true place in the world. no woman is an island.

though if i were, i should imagine it would be a great place to visit - you just wouldn't want to live there.