returning

there is a spot off the beach at doheny where the waves break big and early and often and where, at the end of the day, the sun sits a little longer in the sky, turning the water, the waves and its audience the most brilliant, glittery shade of gold. i like to stop there on my way home from work sometimes, watching the surfers who dare paddle long and hard and deep to reach the swells, watching them race both the current and the sun and listening to their whoops of joy above the crash of the waves and the crush of the wind.

i must look so odd sitting there, in the sand, in my fancy work clothes and my perfect hair. but i don't feel 'odd.' i feel calm and comfortable (though sometimes slightly chilled) and i find the idea of following someone else's joy can almost always lead me to my own.

i haven't stopped there in awhile; everything's been such a whirl. so this evening, if i had my way, i'd steal away to watch the night come down and to give the voices in my head free reign. it's nice having a safe, soft place to land, a place where i don't have to be strong or able or nice, where i don't have to be a good daughter or sister or citizen ... a place where i can just be.

nice. strong. good. of course these are labels i've chosen to wear. i know that. but it's nice to stand naked sometimes. even if someone is looking. especially when someone is looking. thank you for looking.

in my friends, some old and many, oh.so.new, i have found comfort and warmth and genuine affection. and as a result, i find a certain light and lightness turning and returning and so i will heed their gentle reminder that it is not only good, but right, to be someone's first thought.

even my own.