'perfect'

it's right, you know. that saying ... 'you can't go home again.' i know. i've tried. 'home' as i used to define it, doesn't suit me anymore. it's sad and true and enlivening all at once.

still, some days, 'home' comes to me - in the form of a phone call or a letter - from friends there.

today, it's elizabeth ... with all her sweetness and second-guessing. she is the only person i've ever met who loves everyone she loves wholly and without condition. except herself. but she's figuring that out. and when she gets stuck, she calls on me. it is an honor and a pleasure, indeed.

too, there's 'm' - the daughter of a woman i used to work with. she is small. and loud. and smart. and kind. and she is having a bad week. she broke up with her boyfriend and fought with her best friend and is trying to forget that somewhere in between was the anniversary of her father's death. she is a beautiful mess ... as all sixteen year old girls should be. she hates her hair and her height and her mother and, for reasons which defy logic, wants to be 'just like' me when she grows up.

she saw a photo of me and texted me to say, 'wow. you look hot!'

'hot?' i asked. (on the one hand, i'm tempted to ignore her sixteen year old sensibility. 'hot' is not a word usually used to describe me. 'cute' - i have cornered the market on cute. on the other hand, though ... who am i to deny my heat?)

'perfect.' she said.

of course, i'm not perfect, and i wouldn't choose to be, if i could. but that one word and its sentiment are still ringing in my ears ... reminding me how easy it is to forget how we look to others.

i look in the mirror and i don't immediately see 'strong,' 'confident,' 'beautiful' or 'perfect.' i see 'silly,' 'confused,' 'older,' ... a hundred different things. i look in the mirror and see that where others are made of blood and sinew, i am tempered glass - bulletproof, but shattered quietly and out of sight.

so, i think i'll tell her that if she truly wants to be 'like' me, she'll have to forget about being perfect; just jump in and make the big mistakes; she should remember the rules and not hurt anyone else; have fun and bring others along if she gets the chance. and, above all, just be real.

life, i think, demands authenticity. and kindness. and cheesecake.