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my apologies for the 'quiet.'

it is a silence is bourne of obligation and activity, friends and a good bit of fun - equal parts 'fundamental' and 'environmental' -and not from a desire to remain at a distance.

my life is good. mostly.

i know this because i've been taking stock ... counting, searching for answers and reasons for it all. and i'd like to think it's the idea of moving or aging or balancing my checkbook that has me out of balance.

but it isn't.

even in the midst of these most glorious of times, i find myself struggling, profoundly, with the idea of the future - and balancing the pleasure of 'now' against the pain of 'before' and the question of 'next.'

i am hoping that the erosion of that which had seemed solid is not wrong; i am hoping it means that something new, something better, something stronger has been created. i think of ice floes, hardened in winter, dispersing in the warmth of spring; when the ice melts, a mighty river emerges. but, i am still hardened in winter ... and i wonder... does it ever get easier? should it? where i used to wear my heart on my sleeve, will i now wear my uncertainty?... branded for eternity with a scarlet 'u?'

i'd like to think that there has never been a question i'd end up here ... that if there is a question, it isn't 'where' or 'who' ... only 'when.' i'd like to think that under my ignorance and along side my real life, there is this mindless certainty, humming blithely along, ensuring i will finally come together with that which is best for me - bringing me to the place where i'll either stumble, crash or live my way into my whole life's happiness. coming to life is never a conscious decision.

it would be simple, at a time like this, to dismiss everyone. but as idiotic and painful as it may be, i am a true believer in that wonderful mythical law of nature that says the three things we crave most in life ... happiness, freedom and peace of mind ... can only be obtained by giving them to someone else.

and so, i'm challenging myself to remember what is good and allowing my imagination to discover the evolutionary potential in these experiences. i am making a conscious decision to delight in even the quirkiest of life's developments.

still, my most fervent hope is to navigate these waters with patience and kindness and few regrets, save for the breaking of hearts. it's a delicate business, this closeness. you can never be sure how hardy another's heart will be. likewise, you can never really know your own - which i quite like, i think.

besides, no one breaks my heart like i do.