don't forget your umbrella

it is raining here again. heavy, looping drops that hang onto the edge of the clouds ... eventually making a sleepy downward dash to the pavement. maybe, like me, they're afraid to fly. even as they've braved the take-off, they are terrified of a crash landing.

in between errands and chores, i've been rereading my posts and letters from friends. we paint some beautiful pictures, you and i. we also ask a lot of questions - some directly, some not so. i have a gift for avoidance...but it's not one i wish to indulge with you, so if you have a few spare moments, allow me to answer a few...

you asked about my favorite chair. i guess, i'd have to say this old desk chair is it. it's uncomfortable. and pink (a color i quite like, actually, though not for furniture). it serves as sophie's favourite sleeping spot and together, they guard all my secrets. i sit down, it pulls me close and brings me to you. how could i not count it among my favorite things?

my music and my books are a lot like me...all over the place and big on words. i like a good story. and an unusual melody. i prefer my music acoustic and my books electric. the stack nearest my keyboard: jason mraz-james taylor-annie lennox-the soundtrack to "spring awakening"-two plays by neil labute-a book by anita shreve and my red clown nose (neither a book nor music, but sitting there nonetheless and worthy of inclusion).

my art? photos of my family, my friends and my favorite places...new york, the beach, cinderella's castle. also, two of my "poetry in motion" bus cards. (when i lived in dallas, i worked for the transit system and brought that program to the city. we did beautiful work, won lots of awards and praise, and it warms my heart to know that it has continued long after i left for greener pastures.) i had the first two poems framed, en la sangre and an exerpt from flower wreath hill. the latter is still one of my favorite poems of all time: "...you ask me what i thought about before we were lovers. the answer is easy. before i met you, i didn't have anything to think about..."

my favorite words? felicity. fundamental. unencumbered. oblongitude. discursivity. overjoyed. and kiss.

how did i celebrate my milestone birthday? i had breakfast in neverland and dinner in paris. and in between, i went on safari in the serengeti and jungles of asia; took a trip into space and an expedition to everest - twice. i twirled in teacups, pillaged with pirates and ended the day with fireworks and a glass of champagne.

in case you didn't already guess - i went to disney world. it not what you might expect for a milestone such as this, nor what you might choose for yourself, but for me it was ... perfect. it was a joy to reconnect with my family, to leave behind the 'whys' of getting older and to surrender to the childlike wonder i most surely still possess.

so, then ... happiest of fridays to you. i hope it's one of those days where happiness foams up over the top of you and down your sides, spilling over onto everyone in the vicinity. and if it's raining where you are, don't forget your umbrella.

a beautiful mess

is it the end again, already?

the end of the month. the end of the sale. the end of things that never really began. although they did. crept up on me, with velvet paws. today is the beginning of a turn-around; a time of letting go of the old and making way for the new; a time of new beginnings, and it starts with rest. or at least it should.

i got up before the rain and went to yoga. i know. it sounds so trite, doesn't it? isn't everybody going to yoga? i am woefully behind the times, though, as i just started. and not in some celebrity-worshipping kinda way. (although, it's true, i have been known to temporarily devolve and surrender to the power of the people magazine. i need to be able to contribute to the lunchroom dialog on occasion and there is only one other person at the store who is interested in discussing camus ... and our lunches rarely coincide.)

where was i? (i am a master of 'discursivity,' am i not?) ahh, yes. yoga. i love it. it kicks my ass, but i love it. i feel so tall and graceful when i'm done - which is nice because those are two things i will never be mistaken for in real life. and it gives me a chance to focus on nothing but the sound of my own breathing ... and i need a little bit of peace right now.

i'll never be the kind of person who fails to forgive others for the hurts i've received - it's that i cannot forgive myself for the hurts i have meted. i act so strong - and most days i am, but other days, i'm just this little girl, shivering under the armour. don't tell anyone, okay? it's a secret i'd like to keep for a little longer, if you don't mind.

what can i say? i'm a mess. but i'm beautiful.