undone and undefined

have you ever read heidegger's thing about van gogh? items disappearing into their function?

i've been thinking a lot about that in terms of relationships. it's so easy to disappear into our function - security, sex, service ... and i wonder, how do we reclaim the space where we can be seen again? how do we come into focus once more?

and by 'we,' i mean 'me' ... well, 'i.' how do i come into focus?

i feel fuzzy lately. undefined.

i am not the wife, not the mother, not the boss, not the best friend, not the girlfriend, not the one. i'm neither here nor there, neither coming or going ... standing somewhere in the middle, highlighting some, holding up the others ...

... and crushed under their weight ... crushed under the wait for that kinder, gentler, easier sort of life - the kind others seem to pass through with ease and without knowledge that it could ever be any different.

i know, i know! nobody made me do this ... i chose this life ... i lifted myself right out of the old one ... dorothy's house falling out of the sky ... and landing with a giant thud. i am the cyclone and the witch and the little girl waiting for her eyes to adjust from black and white to technicolor and wondering when the dust will finally settle, wondering where i'm headed, wondering what happens next.

and on this day where i've taken everything personally... i wonder what's mine.

it's no one else's fault that i feel angry or hurt or a million different things tonight. it has nothing to do with anyone in particular and the events themselves are not important. when viewed independently, they are comical almost - their depth and breadth not nearly as heavy as their collective weight. they won't even make great stories one day, the kind i love to tell, laughing so hard in their midst i have to pause for breath to continue.

so i'll just say that the day was long and tiresome and ... heartbreaking; not the heartbreak of losing a lover, but that of losing faith in myself - the sudden knowledge that maybe the world isn't in love with me or against me, just indifferent.

and i may have designed my life so that i'll find myself alone, just as i've come to the middle of it.

and i hope i'm wrong.

the prince has a frog in his throat

'i love you,' he whispered softly.

he took a small halting breath and then he said her name.

'don't think i forgot your name,' he added sweetly, 'i didn't; i just had a hard time getting it out. i was busy choking on the first part.'

at her service

he was shuffling around the kitchen, mopping up the beer he'd spilled and preparing to prepare dinner. she was lying sideways across the bed. 'i don't suppose you'd like to wait on me hand and foot and bring me a glass of water with a straw?'

'don't you know that's what i live for,' he said, as he made his way toward the bed.

she laughed. 'i'm going to remind you that you said that. over and over again.'

'darlin'' he said, as he sat next to her and leaned in for a kiss, 'you won't have to.'

the eye of the beholder

standing in front of the mirror, she surveyed the landscape before her, closed one eye and then the other, hoping to improve the appearance. it was no use.

'how drunk are you?' she said, walking into the kitchen from the bathroom. 'i just looked at myself in the mirror, and i am not cute at all, i do not know WHAT you are talking about.'

he put out a hand to stop her, but she moved past him toward the bed in the middle of the room. 'my hair is all wonky and i have these giant bags under my eyes and ...' he stopped her with a kiss.

'the trouble is ... when you look in the mirror, you're only looking at you. but when i see you, what i see is you ... looking at me. and you're beautiful.

i should stop inserting myself into the places i don't belong.

99 things

:::99 things:::

saw this here, and thought i'd play along ...

here are the rules: bold the things you’ve done and post on your blog!

1. started your own blog
2. slept under the stars
3. played in a band
4. visited hawaii
5. watched a meteor shower
6. given more than you can afford to charity
7. been to disneyland
8. climbed a mountain
9. held a praying mantis
10. sang a solo
11. bungee jumped
12. visited paris
13. watched a lightning storm at sea
14. taught yourself an art from scratch
15. adopted a child
16. had food poisoning
17. walked to the top of the statue of liberty
18. grown your own vegetables
19. seen the mona lisa in france
20. slept on an overnight train
21. had a pillow fight
22. hitch hiked
23. taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. built a snow fort
25. held a lamb
26. gone skinny dipping
27. run a marathon
28. ridden in a gondola in venice
29. seen a total eclipse
30. watched a sunrise or sunset
31. hit a home run
32. been on a cruise
33. seen niagara falls in person
34. visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. seen an amish community
36. taught yourself a new language
37. had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. seen the leaning tower of pisa in person
39. gone rock climbing
40. seen michelangelo’s david
41. sung karaoke
42. seen old faithful geyser erupt
43. bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. visited africa
45. walked on a beach by moonlight
46. been transported in an ambulance
47. had your portrait painted
48. gone deep sea fishing
49. seen the sistine chapel in person
50. been to the top of the eiffel tower in paris
51. gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. kissed in the rain
53. played in the mud
54. gone to a drive-in theater
55. been in a movie
56. visited the great wall of china
57. started a business
58. taken a martial arts class
59. visited Russia
60. served at a soup kitchen
61. sold girl scout cookies
62. gone whale watching
63. got flowers for no reason
64.donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. gone sky diving
66. visited a nazi concentration camp
67. bounced a check
68. flown in a helicopter
69. saved a favorite childhood toy
70. visited the lincoln memorial
71. eaten caviar
72. pieced a quilt
73. stood in times square
74. toured the everglades
75. been fired from a job
76. seen the changing of the guards in london
77. broken a bone
78. been on a speeding motorcycle
79. seen the grand canyon in person
80. published a book
81. visited the Vatican
82. bought a brand new car
83. walked in Jerusalem
84. had your picture in the newspaper
85. kissed a stranger at midnight on new year’s eve
86. visited the white house
87. killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. had chickenpox
89. saved someone’s life
90. sat on a jury
91. met someone famous
92. joined a book club
93. lost a loved one
94. had a baby
95. seen the Alamo in person
96. swam in the great salt lake
97. been involved in a law suit
98. owned a cell phone
99. been stung by a bee

wow. looking at the list, i see i need to get out more.

i hope desperately for numbers 63, 94 (or 15), 12, 28, 19, 50, 4, 52 and 37. but until those days come, i will work toward numbers 71, 62, 60, 2, 6 and 43.

what about you?

tired

i cannot sleep. even though i am tired ...

... i am tired of feeling guilty for choosing to make a different life. so go ahead, feel abandoned or betrayed or whatever else you want to feel. i am no longer accepting responsibility for that.

... i am tired of worrying about money.

... i am tired of looking for a place to park.

... i am tired of the phrase, 'in this economy.' also: 'in times like these,' 'in these troubled times,' and 'we know it's hard out there.' everyone knows it's hard out here. stop talking about it and DO SOMETHING, damn it!

... i am tired of my grey hairs spiraling out of control. even if grace did pronounce them, 'cool.'

... i am tired of having to ask people to do their jobs.

... i am tired of apologizing for how i feel.

... i am tired of being without an ipod. life is so much better when it's set to music.

... i am tired of being guarded and cynical and old, old, old. i want to be young and stupid and love openly and earnestly. well ... not stupid. i do not want to be stupid. (doesn't stop me, though, does it?)

... i am tired of keeping my hopes hidden just because you're scared of getting wrecked again. i am, too. who isn't?

... i am tired of schedules and questions and ex husbands and junk mail and fruit flies and how loudly my neighbor walks up and down the stairs and telemarketers and ...

... and i am tired of this mood. wasn't i fabulously happy just 24 hours ago? hormones are ridiculous.