to whom it may concern ...

dear ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX and CW, etc...

i am a grown up.

and by 'grown up' i mean: i have a job. i am in a relationship (which is not a pre-requisite, by the way). i have friends and pets who i love and who love me. i am no longer 25. i have a hobby. i take vacations. i don't call my mother as often as i should. i worry about my weight and my hair color and my retirement and whether the democrats will stay in power. i buy things (or i used to before the economy tanked and i will buy things again. with a vengeance!). i have a brain. i watch TV.

it bears repeating ... i buy things. i have a BRAIN. I WATCH TV!!

please stop canceling and/or destroying the shows i watch. seriously.

there are others like me out there. i've seen them. i've talked with them ... at work, in line, online ... we LOVE TV. and we're worried you're wrecking it.

see, great writing, complicated (yet realistic) story lines, women who might not look good in bikinis ... these are the things we crave. these are the things we invest in.

we, your grown up audience, are loyal and true. when we find a show we like, we stick like glue. (oh, look. i rhymed.) we tell our friends. we rearrange our schedules. that takes time. we need you to recognize that. three episodes doesn't give us enough time to change our work schedule, find something else for the kids to do, or to figure out when the show is even on.

so, please. stop looking for the next 'friends.' stop trying to recreate 'lost' and 'the x files.' be brave. be bold. support good writing. reward great storytelling. give our shows a chance. develop more shows for us and we won't disappoint you.

listen to us. choose us. love us.

don't give up. save some TV for the grown ups.

warmest regards,

leigh anne

p.s. you understand, right, that if we can't work this out, we're going to have to see other people. i've got cable now and i'm not afraid to use it.

navigation

my apologies for the 'quiet.'

it is a silence is bourne of obligation and activity, friends and a good bit of fun - equal parts 'fundamental' and 'environmental' -and not from a desire to remain at a distance.

my life is good. mostly.

i know this because i've been taking stock ... counting, searching for answers and reasons for it all. and i'd like to think it's the idea of moving or aging or balancing my checkbook that has me out of balance.

but it isn't.

even in the midst of these most glorious of times, i find myself struggling, profoundly, with the idea of the future - and balancing the pleasure of 'now' against the pain of 'before' and the question of 'next.'

i am hoping that the erosion of that which had seemed solid is not wrong; i am hoping it means that something new, something better, something stronger has been created. i think of ice floes, hardened in winter, dispersing in the warmth of spring; when the ice melts, a mighty river emerges. but, i am still hardened in winter ... and i wonder... does it ever get easier? should it? where i used to wear my heart on my sleeve, will i now wear my uncertainty?... branded for eternity with a scarlet 'u?'

i'd like to think that there has never been a question i'd end up here ... that if there is a question, it isn't 'where' or 'who' ... only 'when.' i'd like to think that under my ignorance and along side my real life, there is this mindless certainty, humming blithely along, ensuring i will finally come together with that which is best for me - bringing me to the place where i'll either stumble, crash or live my way into my whole life's happiness. coming to life is never a conscious decision.

it would be simple, at a time like this, to dismiss everyone. but as idiotic and painful as it may be, i am a true believer in that wonderful mythical law of nature that says the three things we crave most in life ... happiness, freedom and peace of mind ... can only be obtained by giving them to someone else.

and so, i'm challenging myself to remember what is good and allowing my imagination to discover the evolutionary potential in these experiences. i am making a conscious decision to delight in even the quirkiest of life's developments.

still, my most fervent hope is to navigate these waters with patience and kindness and few regrets, save for the breaking of hearts. it's a delicate business, this closeness. you can never be sure how hardy another's heart will be. likewise, you can never really know your own - which i quite like, i think.

besides, no one breaks my heart like i do.

undone and undefined

have you ever read heidegger's thing about van gogh? items disappearing into their function?

i've been thinking a lot about that in terms of relationships. it's so easy to disappear into our function - security, sex, service ... and i wonder, how do we reclaim the space where we can be seen again? how do we come into focus once more?

and by 'we,' i mean 'me' ... well, 'i.' how do i come into focus?

i feel fuzzy lately. undefined.

i am not the wife, not the mother, not the boss, not the best friend, not the girlfriend, not the one. i'm neither here nor there, neither coming or going ... standing somewhere in the middle, highlighting some, holding up the others ...

... and crushed under their weight ... crushed under the wait for that kinder, gentler, easier sort of life - the kind others seem to pass through with ease and without knowledge that it could ever be any different.

i know, i know! nobody made me do this ... i chose this life ... i lifted myself right out of the old one ... dorothy's house falling out of the sky ... and landing with a giant thud. i am the cyclone and the witch and the little girl waiting for her eyes to adjust from black and white to technicolor and wondering when the dust will finally settle, wondering where i'm headed, wondering what happens next.

and on this day where i've taken everything personally... i wonder what's mine.

it's no one else's fault that i feel angry or hurt or a million different things tonight. it has nothing to do with anyone in particular and the events themselves are not important. when viewed independently, they are comical almost - their depth and breadth not nearly as heavy as their collective weight. they won't even make great stories one day, the kind i love to tell, laughing so hard in their midst i have to pause for breath to continue.

so i'll just say that the day was long and tiresome and ... heartbreaking; not the heartbreak of losing a lover, but that of losing faith in myself - the sudden knowledge that maybe the world isn't in love with me or against me, just indifferent.

and i may have designed my life so that i'll find myself alone, just as i've come to the middle of it.

and i hope i'm wrong.

the prince has a frog in his throat

'i love you,' he whispered softly.

he took a small halting breath and then he said her name.

'don't think i forgot your name,' he added sweetly, 'i didn't; i just had a hard time getting it out. i was busy choking on the first part.'

at her service

he was shuffling around the kitchen, mopping up the beer he'd spilled and preparing to prepare dinner. she was lying sideways across the bed. 'i don't suppose you'd like to wait on me hand and foot and bring me a glass of water with a straw?'

'don't you know that's what i live for,' he said, as he made his way toward the bed.

she laughed. 'i'm going to remind you that you said that. over and over again.'

'darlin'' he said, as he sat next to her and leaned in for a kiss, 'you won't have to.'

the eye of the beholder

standing in front of the mirror, she surveyed the landscape before her, closed one eye and then the other, hoping to improve the appearance. it was no use.

'how drunk are you?' she said, walking into the kitchen from the bathroom. 'i just looked at myself in the mirror, and i am not cute at all, i do not know WHAT you are talking about.'

he put out a hand to stop her, but she moved past him toward the bed in the middle of the room. 'my hair is all wonky and i have these giant bags under my eyes and ...' he stopped her with a kiss.

'the trouble is ... when you look in the mirror, you're only looking at you. but when i see you, what i see is you ... looking at me. and you're beautiful.

i should stop inserting myself into the places i don't belong.