the way the world works now

citizenship in this country is broken and the questions loom large and beg furiously ... how did we let this happen? who was supposed to protect it and hold it dear? was it me?

of course it was me. but it wasn't only me; i wasn't alone in this dilution of democracy. and i certainly wasn't the one holding it up as a savior, all the while sculpting it into a scheme to preserve my personal wealth. and it doesn't matter who's to blame; blame holds no interest for me. but i need something more than silence and vague promises.

(and i know my political voice is 'beginnerly,' at best, but still...even i know there's things to know. there's a dialogue to be started here, a discussion to be led, and it makes me profoundly angry to find that those in the position to do so seem unwilling to put forth the effort.)

i need some inspiration, i think. i need to know i'm not the only one who believes a woman not afraid to consider her power, find her voice and embrace a sense of urgency isn't to be ignored or feared or silenced. i need to know one of these candidates believes a woman who doesn't go to church, who doesn't have children, who makes decisions for herself about who enters her head and her home and her womb still has a voice here.

if i can find that, i think i'll have hope again for the new beginning i hear tell of. of course, it begs the question as to whether we, as a nation, still have what it takes to undertake that beginning. too, i wonder if we'll even know what that looks like?

i'd like to think that those of us who are tired of the way the world works now will create this new beginning through our choices, but, i can't make up my mind - i'm still waiting for a candidate to speak to me with his or her vocabulary of faith. maybe i'm not reading enough.

still, i take comfort in the idea that the world is round, and the place that may seem like the end may only be just the beginning. and i really hope that's true this time.

blabbermouth

whether by accident, by error or by design, i have the ability to be wildly inappropriate. i will, on occasion, say things to strangers i would never say in real life. does that make me brave or an idiot? and who's to say those moments with strangers aren't my 'real life' and all the rest is just make-believe?

must sleep now. surely sleep is what i need. what else could it be?

the leftovers of belief

i feel like i want to say something, but the words blazing to the tips of my fingers freeze in the cool night air. ideas come to me - in the shape of a mouth, in the form of a body, in the construction of fantasies and the breaking down to make something that is beautiful - and i'm struck by my unwillingness to control my feelings and my inability to articulate them.

i've seen this memory and i'm a little tired, i guess, of stumbling around in the dark, entertaining ghost lovers and listening to the creak of this ancient ceiling fan. i pass my days driving, moving like water, and at night, breaking like waves.

as difficult as it is to negotiate the space and time and silence, i'd like to believe that proximity won't negate the possibility and someday, we'll sit close, laughing or talking over one another or just enjoying the silence from inches - and not hours or miles - away.

there's a certain magic in the idea i can't quite let go of; a belief left over from another life, perhaps. maybe i'm wrong. maybe i'm not.

my vocabulary of faith remains.

britney watch - day 3

there is much to say about the coming of the new year ... of sunsets and sea life and all manner of good things, but in this moment i must pause, before going about the day.to.day of my day to say, 'hallelujah!'

it appears britney is out of the hospital, accompanied by none other than dr. phil himself. at last, his powers can be used for good. if i were britney i would ... (well, if i were britney, i'd do a lot of things), but if i were britney, i'd work overtime to get well, just so dr. phil would shut the hell up.