Friday, February 29, 2008

fucking february

february is a wretched, wretched month, indeed. no good can come of it. i have grown weary of its bounty of hardship and illness and death. how can 29 days seem so long? (i'm not entirely certain the extra day this year isn't just to spite me!) i am ready for this month to end.

in its short run, february has delivered death and heartache, parking tickets and projectile vomiting, but still, it couldn't resist taking one last run at me, delivering my last straw on this, the final day, of this god forsaken month ... my paycheck is wrong. to the tune of $500 wrong. no small thing, $500. of course, with the run of events, i should be lucky i was paid at all. still. february cannot end fast enough.

only two more hours.

come on, march! you can do it! big money, no whammies!!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

where's the fairy godmother when you need her?

i think i understand, a little, how cinderella must have felt in those hours after the clock struck twelve. how, in the early morning after the ball, having awakened to life's delicious possibilities, catching a glimpse of happiness up ahead and running as fast as she could to keep up with it, the wheels came off the pumpkin. she was back, too soon, to real life, the past striking out at the potential (but by no means negating it).

i know, because last night was my first 'girls night' out in california. it was nothing i'd expected and everything i could have wanted. lovely new girlfriends, boy scouts and laughter; hand warmers, big words and oddly pleasureable conversations ... and somewhere in the midst, there were cocktails, a corn dog and lots and lots of dancing (can there ever be enough?).

but with morning came the inevitable blast of reality, the wheels - literally- coming off the pumpkin and shattering any ideas i had about the day. (no matter how freakishly strong i may be, i am no match for lug nuts secured by pneumatic drill.)

it's helping me remember, though, that even when the days rock me in too many ways, everything i live my way into will be exactly what i need for my strength in my future. i can never know what lies ahead and it's the 'not knowing' that is the real adventure.

i'm pretty sure my story is going to be a good one. a happy beginning with no end in sight.

(p.s. emilie and meg - thank you! you sure know how to show a girl a good time.)

Thursday, February 14, 2008

a soggy valentine

hello (she says sweetly).

i was hoping to bring you a bit of the coast, all dressed up in its thursday best, but it is not to be. the day has been one of clouds and cold and my favorite kind of rain - the kind that blows in sideways and seems to fall upwards. it has been a good day for sleeping in, snuggling with the cat and dreaming the day away. and that is precisely what chutney and i have done.

it seems slightly incongruous, though, that it should be so blustery outside; it is, after all, valentine's day. the 'dreaded' for some, though never for me. and while i prefer my declarations of love to be more spontaneous and creative than this day normally allows, i do enjoy the idea that there is a place on the calendar set aside to remind us to revel in our affairs of the heart - of every sort - celebrating all the delicious and infinite ways two people can fit together.

so, maybe this is a good day for rain coming at me sideways and upways and swirling about, messing up my perfect hair and making my feet cold. that's what love is supposed to do, isn't it? surprise us and envelope us and soak us to the bone.

i believe in big love. i do. right down to the gooey center of me. (i am not the badass i pretend to be.) with my rose colored glasses, half-full as always, i marvel at the strange luck that brings people together. how is it that we are borne into this family, welcomed by these friends, adopted by that pet, desired by any lover? under our ignorance and along side our real lives, i wonder if there isn't some mindless certainty, humming blithely along, ensuring we'll come together. maybe it's just dumb luck.

doesn't matter.

all i know is that i'm grateful for whatever brand of evolutionary magic has brought me to these people in this place at this time. (my letters are heroic attempts at conveying a gratitude that is impossible for me to voice.)

of course, it isn't only lightning-bolt love i'm talking about ... you know, the kind where electricity passes between two people, charging the air and lighting them up from the inside. it's also friends, near and far, checking in and holding your hand, even if it's only over the phone. it's a song, written by a stranger who somehow knows you completely and has set you to music. it's the cat in your lap trying to type on the computer, too, all the while purring in your ear. and, maybe most importantly, it's recognizing glimpses of the girl you thought you'd be, pulling her close and finding a way to make her stay.

i don't know what the future holds for me. for any of us. but i'm going to stand in the middle of it all and let the rain fall where it will. i will leave no puddle unsplashed.

happy valentine's day to you, dear friends. go get wet.

Friday, February 8, 2008

one more day

have you met leroy shakespeare? maybe you know him as 'roy' or 'big boy.' he loves boxes and making bread in your lap and hiding from strangers. he meows so small and loves so big. he is my oldest friend. and tomorrow is his last day on earth.

i am heading to texas in the wee hours of the morning to be there to celebrate it. i can't bear not to be there as he begins to leave his life.

we'll have some milk, i think. and take a nap. and sit with sophie and elvis and john and do nothing special. just being there will be enough. as if there could ever be enough.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

everything i am

today is 'super tuesday,' but i don't feel super. instead, i feel empty and turbulent and small and my heart aches for the mess i've made. i know i've said i want to feel the edges of things...well, today, i do. sharp and cold and skeptical. the butterflies have left for greener girls.

the time will come, soon enough, for the placing of blame and the taking of sides and when it does, know this: i am everything you think i am. i am the breaker of hearts, the killer of dreams, the speaker of that which should remain unspoken. i am not the kindest person you will ever meet. and i am so, so sorry. and i am hoping forgiveness will find me somewhere down the road.

Monday, February 4, 2008

a blog or a bore?

i know better, now, than to fight sleep. it comes when it wants, like the cats in my old backyard, to feed and be allowed to lie awhile. tonight, it's hesitant to show its face, i guess. instead, it's sent a few friends ... nagging thoughts, begging questions, useless tidbits of information ... emptying them out onto the page may help ...

1. the greatest super bowl moment ever? peyton manning jumping up and down with excitement for his brother. it was awesome!

2. why do people spend piles of money to dress like they're homeless?

3. if your state celebrates 'super tuesday' tomorrow, for goodness sakes, VOTE! (need a good reason? do your homework here.)

4. everything's better when you have a sister.

5. boys are stupid.

6. one month in and i have yet to break a new years resolution.

7. i can no longer say all my best friends live in texas. i now have some best friends here, too.

8. since when is 'speed 2: cruise control' the best thing on tv?

9. when did i get so old?

10. a female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

oh, what do you know. head's empty. did it help? sort of. i've bored myself to sleep.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

sexiest man alive

if there was ever any doubt, it's now official. matt damon is the sexiest man alive ...

there's nothing like a boy who can make you laugh until your sides ache ...

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