of birthdays, the whispers of the universe and repaying my karmic debt

birthdays are a great way to celebrate all that we are and all that we are becoming. i have a birthday coming up. a milestone, actually. and as it approaches, i find myself struggling with the questions eternal and leafing through girlhood dreams.

astrology tells me that i am in a 'six week cycle.' i am receiving all the tests of the entire year in these last six weeks. and before i can receive my new energy (and gifts) i must close out the books on karma and my debt to life. (this would explain my fits of melancholy and my run in with the automobile.)

this must also be why the universe has been whispering to me - wondering how it is i've gone off in eleven different directions from where i began and where i want to be. i whisper back - because i'm not sure we're supposed to live with an iron control that excludes those different directions - 'our lives aren't intended to and shouldn't be just about ourselves and our plans - but about the world and everything in it.' (i know it hears me because the moon arrived a few minutes ago in the shape of a smile.)

so...for the next 30 days - i am going to concentrate on settling my karmic debt. i will try to let 'thank you' and 'i'm sorry' slip naturally off my tongue. i will try to notice how much others do for me and i will try to do more for others. and maybe then, the 'jolts' of the last (and next) few weeks will subside, with no lasting effects, save for the reminder that things are not stable, linear or predictable - i am always in flux. life is about balancing, not about being balanced. the sense of imbalance is exhilarating and reminds me of the fragility of life; nudges me to appreciate each imperfect, teetering moment i am alive...giving me a sense of my own place in this swirling universe.

with that in mind, part of me wants to race toward may 22 to see what lies ahead and to see the amazing life that awaits...to see how i'll craft it in respect to my view of the world and make it possible for me to rest in places between those of convention...to do what it is i love most and to experience...to discover - freely...all the things i've ever wanted and those i do not yet know i long for.

i remember, now, that i am the most glorious of possibilities. and i look damn good for my age.