i am who i am

today marks the last week of this decade for me. everyone wants to know how it feels. so far, i don't feel any different than i have leading up to other birthdays.

wait. actually, that's not true. i feel...better, somehow. and different, as well.

the last few months have given me perspective on evolution. i've stopped wondering how it is i've wandered so far from where i began and where i want to be. i get it. i'm not supposed to live my life with an iron control that excludes those different directions. the moon requires that i ride the high tide with no flotation devices, safety nets or rescue squad at the ready. it's just me and the great deep.

would my life have been easier, happier even, if i'd figured this out sooner? undoubtedly. but, i think i needed the struggle. to find balance and strength and gratitude. the struggle is why - and how - i am who i am.

so, who am i? this is the question that begs as this birthday looms large.

in the most basic of terms - i am still...unfinished. i am new. sometimes a drag. sometimes lovely. i am not yet the best version of myself, but i know she's close.

i am, and will always be - i hope - someone who spends freely of my time, energy, skills, money to see that nobody is left out. but, i will no longer be someone who allows my willingness to give to be misunderstood or abused, as if it were a weakness.

i am not someone who thinks myself superior to or more worthy than anyone else, but i do try to follow the example of the sun, beaming forth and shining indiscriminately on all who enter my domain. i am no longer worried that my light will shine too brightly, leaving others in the dark and waiting for their eyes to adjust to the light. it doesn't serve anyone to make myself small.

i am able to be alone and truly like the company i keep in those empty moments. i can to sit with pain and anger and loneliness, mine or another's, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. still, i am someone who cannot stay still.

and i am happy. given to graceful generosity and compassion. i can sense when someone is uncomfortable in a group and find a way to delicately put them at ease. i play the fool in order to shift attention away from someone else's mistake and try to do so in a way that doesn't diminish others' respect for me. i do not always succeed.

i am becoming much better educated for what lies ahead. i am free to choose my own direction, to explore and grow beyond the circumstances that used to hold me in, to see that the benefits that exist in my life no longer belong solely to me.

my challenge and opportunity now is to see how my experiences will lead to fresh possibilities, new ambitions and an inspiring vision of even greater potential. and i know that somewhere, beneath the surface, there is a reserve of strength that has been building for just this kind of opportunity.

this is all, i know, a little 'leigh anne around the philosophical bend.' and i know it may seem ridiculous and slightly self indulgent to admit these things, but i actually feel better for having written it.

life is too short to keep everything so well protected and unsaid.