what goes around

it's so curious how i can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. but then someone says something nice or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. and so, a day that started with blue sky and sun ends with rolling thunder and rain that defies gravity...my mood reshaping the weather, the way the moon rules the tides.

i miss my friend. when i let myself. and sometimes, when i don't.

it seems an age since we've talked, but i find it hard to write. i don't know just how to pick up after time apart. as much as i hate the sound of 'goodbye,' it's the 'hello' after a distance that always catches in my throat.

i'm sad, thinking about the adventures we won't be having. the road just seems to have disappeared. but then, maybe that's the way everything should end. driving along, 100 mph, cruising...happily...and suddenly, the road just disappears. no less feeling. no unkind words. just an end.

i am usually the one to disappear, so i suppose it's really true that what goes around comes around. it's my turn to wait and watch the wheel of time eliminate old circumstances and initiate new ones, and my only response is to adapt. and, somewhere we live our real lives and i know they're our real lives because in real life there never was a space for 'us.' only work and family and words and a million other things.

still, i would like to think that as the sky grows darker, without being conscious of it, we'll begin to regain the intimacy...that somehow, we'll find our way back and slowly come into focus again.

i'd like that.