of faith

have you heard the story of wendy darling and her hidden kiss? the last kiss in the corner of her mouth, the one that her children and her husband all wanted, the one that only peter pan could get?

for me, that hidden kiss has always been faith. and no one could get it. not family nor friends, not even myself. a hundred thousand chances to give it away, but no, i've kept her tucked away-safe from old lovers and new mistakes, so no bitterness bleeds through and the memory of her stays true and dear.

it's ironic, then (or is it fantastic?), that i chose this year to introduce her to the world. this year - the one where i went to war with my heart; this month - with its weeks stained with melodrama and temperance. i have held her up, like an umbrella, protecting me against these extremes of temperature, this folding and pounding; we've stood, hand in hand, as life twisted itself inside-out, and we are laughing loud and long as life is finally displaying the gold hidden within. the excitement, the surprise, the sudden beauty of the everyday has made faith possible.

she is newborn, my faith. fragile and sticky and wet. and yet, in this moment, everything inside me climbs upward. and with her arrival, i find i exist in a perpetual state of hope.

i no longer worry about being broken. a lovely, lovely life is sprouting up from between the cracks and crevices. now, you ask, how does my garden grow? wild and loud and lush.

i no longer wonder how it is i've gone off in eleven different directions from where i began and where i thought i wanted to be. i know, now, that we're not supposed to live with an iron control that excludes those different directions.

i am no longer blind to the series of small miracles that keep me alive. miracles of timing, of impulse, conversations left unsaid, people seen or not seen, opportunities and mistakes lost and grasped. and i've come to not just believe, but to really trust, that sooner or later, good will come to those who do good; joy will be the reward for those who bring humor to others; and opportunity will present itself to those who persist.

in a funny kind of way, the events of the last days are leading me to believe that i can actually will good things to happen. i don't expect immediate results, of course, i just throw my hopes out there into the open air or onto the page and let the universe work its particular brand of evolutionary magic. and in the midst, i find i am calm and comfortable with my settlement. i am happy, high flying, idealistic, looking for beauty and, as always, just a little messy.

and i wouldn't have it any other way.