belief, choice and the promise of love

darling lizy ...

my life, up to and including now, has never been easy. and, as far as i know, it has never been envied.

i was the grown-up in my house before i had grown into my own skin and as a result, i have spent my whole life ... my whole self ... moving between what was necessary for others – to keep them safe and stable – and what they expected of me. and the times i’ve stepped outside those bounds, whether set by friends or family or lovers, i’ve been rewarded with judgment and what has felt like insurmountable pain.

i am pavolv's daughter.

or at least, i was.

and until not so long ago, i had a man who loved me. a lot. or at least he loved the idea of me, the person i tried to become for him. and i realize, now, i loved the idea of that. and i liked our life. it was simple. uneventful. and i wasn't unhappy. but not 'unhappy' is no way to go through life.

it had become clear that i what i had seen as compromise and the natural order of a marriage was actually a bargain i made with myself. (don’t we all, at some point, make bargains with ourselves?) i had been living my life in the best way i knew to keep him calm and happy. i realized that i'd been finding ways to stand still for him. and along the way, i forgot who i used to be, who i wanted to be. and it wasn't until i was here, standing alone, that i truly understood that standing still doesn't suit me.

too, i learned that as hard as it is to be the one who is left, who is no longer loved, it is harder, by far, to be the one who leaves, who stops loving first ... who realizes that in order to fix herself, she'll have to break someone else.

and it makes me wonder if i'm worthy of all of this ... this great, grand, good fortune finally coming my way. and i have to believe that i am.

i have to believe that it's okay that i finally love my life ... that i might actually hit a homerun my first time at bat ... that i am finally truly happy, almost incandescently so.

and as for the promise of love, well, i have to believe it's okay that i believe in that, too ... that i believe that love can’t be planned, that it won't arrive when it's 'supposed to' or look the way i think it will, and i'll just fall into its arms because my belief undoes my disbelief.

it's a lot, i know. and it's not so very neat, i know that, too. but it's my life. as i chose it.

and so, no matter how envious you might be, how broken hearted, too ... just know that whatever you want for yourself is possible. happiness, is worth working for in a million tiny ways - and it will never look the way you think it will, but it will always be worth the effort. measure it in centuries and in inches and never question whether you're worthy.

you're worthy.

we all are.

as long as we choose to be.