Friday, March 13, 2009

what i am afraid of

it's friday the 13th and i'm wondering ... what are you afraid of?

for me it's snakes and flying ... never getting the upper hand financially ... the governator ... writing on chalkboards ... my mother getting older ... and loving someone who will never love me back.

friday the 13th is supposed to be a day of unfortunate incidents, of difficult circumstances and even worse luck. (for me, that could just be a tuesday), but today was the most beautiful day. strong coffee, good friends, sunshine and a sky of runaway blue. (as winter made an appearance earlier in the week, spring felt compelled to do the same -the seasons are spoiled children, competing for affection. they need not worry; i love them both.).

the day i dreaded was thursday the 12th. it sounds so innocent and unassuming, but it was the day of my mother's surgery. her third in three years ... the level of difficulty increasing with each one ... the level of anxiety, too.

it's hard to watch my mother age, watch her struggle to get around, rely on a steady stream of pharmaceuticals to make it through the day, her medical team becoming her only social outlet.

you would think the experience of youth, of being a grown-up in my house before i had grown into my own skin, would ease this transition from child to caretaker. it does not. it makes it harder, somehow. i find the only thing growing faster than my fear is my resentment. and my anger.

i am angry that she hasn't taken better care of herself up to now, so that recovery would be easier, or at least less treacherous. i am angry that her plan for the future involves a motor home and my sister's driveway. i am angry that given the choice, she'd rather demand our attention and rescue than forge another road for herself. but mostly, i'm angry at myself for being so angry and ungrateful.

how do i shake this? how do i move past it into forgiveness and graciousness?

it's friday the 13th. and i'm afraid i'll never know.


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