after the fire

good morning (she says, shivering slightly and burrowing further under the covers to guard against the morning chill).

as nice as it was to sleep in, i love waking up in california! everything takes on a golden glow, especially me.

even so, the last days have been a blur ... rushing into the unknown and alternating between exhilaration and the yearning for anything familiar ... a comet pulled from orbit ... waiting for my body to register what my mind has just begun to recognize - i am home.

and i have to remind myself to breathe.

i think it was the height of irony that california ignited just as i arrived, fire being a symbol of liberation and all ... crackling little molecules flying away from home. it's been a good reminder of my ability to navigate the ongoing accidents of fate and nature. (if only the recognition could ease the transition...)

life, as people know it here, is approaching normal again. for me, normal is, i think, a few weeks away. the time change, the drive, new faces ... i lose patience with myself so easily. i know i should slow down, but i want to rush ahead ... change the pain of yesterday ... give myself a chance to repair my way before it breaks me ... see how this unfolds. i don't really want that, i suppose. i enjoy the mystery and the journey. still, why must everything be so hard?

in this moment, i am overly dramatic, i know. there is much to be grateful for here. i have a job that i love and that makes it possible for me to make a life, not just a living. i am near my mother and sister again and i have begun to make new friends (yes. the gay men have found me, here, bringing me treats by the armful.) and every day, on my ride to work, i have the hills to my right, the ocean to my left and the sun at my back. and up ahead ... well, up ahead, i have everything.

i hope your day is unfolding in an interesting way. i plan to use this day off to recapture a little bit of 'normal' ... find a gym, a dry cleaner, a grocery store. but first, i'm going to the beach. there's nothing a little sun, sand and saltwater can't cure. i'll be back to my playful self in no time.

the storm that's brewing

there is an electricity in the air tonight. flashes of light and thunder ... the air still ... feeling heavy - hungry almost - and needing the release. last week, electronic signs on the highway warned, 'hurricane churning in the gulf. keep tank full.' and i'm not sure those signs weren't speaking solely to me.

the future has me slightly unnerved, even as my whole self stretches out toward it. i never gave much thought to the weight of those butterflies tickling my insides until they settled, lead-footed. only now, do i truly understand the power of gravity. still ... it's this mixture of fear and joy that is keeping me balanced as i walk the tightrope of my own happiness.

i wonder ... will i like them? will they like me? will they find me funny? think me sweet and silly ... or cloying and a bit daft?

doesn't really matter, i suppose. i am who i am and i do what i do. i can only behave in a style that is the most true of 'me.' i can't force that truth. it comes with surrender and the decision to sing out and allow it to escape. still, i've spent long hours with the question of how to embrace the potential unfolding to the west and how to see around the corners there. (and in between, there are moments when my ego flees and my mind keeps screaming that this is going to take so much more than i've got.) does that ever happen to you? i don't suppose it does. what i carry around, though, is that it all begins right here. at the end.

you ask after post sale fif and faf and we have been unusually busy this week ... and i am happy for the the rhythm - it keeps me present, and rightly so, at a time when i would be quite happy to daydream. and i don't want to waste a moment with these people i enjoy so much. i will miss them so.

there won't be much time to mourn the loss, i'm afraid. the custom sale is soon upon us and in the midst, i'll be interviewing folks for sales positions - our numbers are such that we have been afforded the opportunity to hire not one, but two more - in hopes of catching sales that may be walking out the door as we're all busy entertaining customers.

too, i'm hoping one will shimmer above the rest and rise to be a fitting replacement. i want to believe that there is someone better organized, less scattered, more mature, less motherly and in all ways lovelier than i am. someone who will fit in seamlessly and make them forget i was ever here.

it makes me feel better to believe that's even possible ... softening the guilt and the fear ... blurring my vision just enough that i can barely make out the effect my presence has here.

of course, there's always something to remind me ... ford ('like the car') telling me how proud he is of me, and christine crying like a baby and stacy, thanking me for being the store's 'grace.' i don't quite know what to do with any of that. so, i've folded those memories as neatly as i'm capable of and tucked then into my bag and i'll carry them with me wherever i go ... a talisman against low self-esteem days and a reminder of the kindness and care we're all capable of.

... the world is round ...

... the world is round ...

what's your world like today?

i hope you are finding ways of escaping summer's fury ... a pool would be good for that sort of thing. (i would float for hours, sans vêtements, and would spend the evening giving names to freckles bourne anew.)

how have you been occupying your time? for me, there's been work - we are in inventory mode and i am supremely tired of counting things - and the play, and visits with friends and to the shops. not a lot of activity, really ...

i have been difficult, out of sorts, lately ... needy in ways i'm unfamiliar and uncomfortable with. my apologies if any splashed over onto you.

(it is arrogant, i suppose, to presume you're even interested in this story, but i don't want to hold myself back just because i don't know... )

old wisdoms don't bury peaceably, especially not my own ...

the last days have been a constant reminder that in every life, all is not what it seems. at any given time, reality is a hall of mirrors ... sadness hiding in the heart of euphoria, the spark of great achievement bubbling inside a cauldron of adversity. so too, no end is ever really complete without a new beginning stirring inside it. i divide life into categories in order to understand and master it, but experience itself is seamless. i have to trust, i suppose, that dramatic changes only happen according to divine appointment. i have to have faith that change will benefit me more than clinging to the old ways would have.

sometimes, i think i'd like to keep you separate from all of this. it's painful as hell, and frightening too ... nurturing the life i want to live into being ... opening up the space to find something that better suits me, to find a way to love people without feeling like i'm hurting them by loving them the way i want to.

yet, it feels comfortable, somehow, this knowledge that everyone is busy with their separate lives, and we can go for a week or two with no word, popping in on each other, and it's enough to know that you're still right there, in some corner of my life and i'm right here, in some corner of yours.

as for the corners of my life ...

the play went well. in the end, it played much, much better than it read. there was raucous laughter and thunderous applause and some lovely adjectives tossed about - 'charming' ... 'stunning' ... 'incandescent' ... are among my favorites. and i am $30 richer and hold the title of 'audience favorite' - an odd thing, to be sure, the judging of 'art.' i am not in favor of it, but do enjoy the spoils, i must admit.

work is good. busy, of course. tomorrow is inventory, so i've been up long before the sun this week, counting, adjusting numbers and solving the mysteries of the back of the house. i am a 'words' girl ... numbers send me spinning in all the wrong ways, and yet, the exercise is oddly pleasurable ...

... bringing order to a place where chaos has reigned is an unusual experience ... one i enjoy, but will be glad to see completed ... after all, the world is round, and the place that may seem like the end may only be just the beginning...

amazing grace

i am back. older, definitely. wiser, perhaps. exhausted from my travels...to be sure. once i catch my breath, i will gladly recount my trip; tell the tales of surprises and hidden delights, until then...the sky is my favorite color of blue and the moon has arrived in the shape of a smile. it's cool outside.

i gifted myself this birthday with 'the collected poetry of nikki giovanni.' (it's a conceit of my youth, i admit. i have always loved her work and in the olden days, reciting her poems won me much acclaim and the admiration of more than one attractive debater.)

in the days since i bought it, i cannot put it down. i can flip to any page and always find a morsel of inspiriation. for instance...

'i am cotton candy on a rainy day
the sweet soft essence
of possibility'

see what i mean.

...the perfect description of myself in these last days and hours. and hopefully, in the days and years to come.

this 'essence of possibility' has been propelling me forward; the potential is at once beautiful and terrifying. still, i know this is going to be a very happy year. i have so much to be grateful for...

off-the-cuff compliments, freedom of the press, artistic license...cream cheese frosting, thinking caps...pb&j....adjectives, training wheels, sock monkeys, things not always being what they seem...not being 'too grown up' for anything...polaroids, mickey mouse...earth, wind & fire...being held soft and close...twilight lingering at the end of the day...'accidentally on purpose'...the hokey-pokey, fortune telling, unhurried hours, killer scrabble games...secret hiding places, james taylor, walkie -talkies, holding hands, late-night drive-thru windows...surfer boys, flying dreams, tuesday afternoons...
sneezes, tears of joy, pianos and acoustic guitars… things turning out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out...the art of compromise...fresh flowers, pedicures, marshmallow peeps, hot coffee, horoscopes, love stories...french blue, armless chairs, cats who come when you call, fireworks...the tiny pancakes formed from batter falling from the ladle...no line for the bathroom...stage managers, brown sugar, being swept away by sheer delight...pale pink light tumbling into morning, conversations on paper, the impossible encounters that live in the imagination and somehow become reality...the knowledge that we are not responsible for those we love - we are responsible for those who love us.

to those who love me, who wish me well and who celebrate my birth - thank you! i have been warmed by you in many ways. talk about 'amazing grace'...

the company i keep

every now and again, i like to tempt fate - well, if not tempt it, at least tease it a bit. i like to draw a tarot card and see what the day holds. today, i drew 'the world.'

'you drew your arrow and hit your target with the style of a skillful archer. you appear to be approaching circumstances that previously existed only in your imagination. after years of effort and struggle, matters may seem absurdly easy soon. your ambition, inspiration and perseverance have taken you toward your desired outcome. now you are zeroing in on the bull's eye, having explored the territory and brought yourself to its center.

pause for awhile and enjoy this moment. recognize that you are completing what you set out to achieve. you are becoming the person you want to be in the presence of the company you've wanted to keep. you will soon inhabit what used to be a dream.'

does it get any better than that?

this morning, the company i keep is a cup of hot, cinnamon-laced coffee, a dog named elvis, and a steady rotation of mingo fishtrap, jack johnson and jason mraz.

what the rest of the day holds is anybody's guess.