a beautiful mess

is it the end again, already?

the end of the month. the end of the sale. the end of things that never really began. although they did. crept up on me, with velvet paws. today is the beginning of a turn-around; a time of letting go of the old and making way for the new; a time of new beginnings, and it starts with rest. or at least it should.

i got up before the rain and went to yoga. i know. it sounds so trite, doesn't it? isn't everybody going to yoga? i am woefully behind the times, though, as i just started. and not in some celebrity-worshipping kinda way. (although, it's true, i have been known to temporarily devolve and surrender to the power of the people magazine. i need to be able to contribute to the lunchroom dialog on occasion and there is only one other person at the store who is interested in discussing camus ... and our lunches rarely coincide.)

where was i? (i am a master of 'discursivity,' am i not?) ahh, yes. yoga. i love it. it kicks my ass, but i love it. i feel so tall and graceful when i'm done - which is nice because those are two things i will never be mistaken for in real life. and it gives me a chance to focus on nothing but the sound of my own breathing ... and i need a little bit of peace right now.

i'll never be the kind of person who fails to forgive others for the hurts i've received - it's that i cannot forgive myself for the hurts i have meted. i act so strong - and most days i am, but other days, i'm just this little girl, shivering under the armour. don't tell anyone, okay? it's a secret i'd like to keep for a little longer, if you don't mind.

what can i say? i'm a mess. but i'm beautiful.

what goes around

it's so curious how i can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. but then someone says something nice or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. and so, a day that started with blue sky and sun ends with rolling thunder and rain that defies gravity...my mood reshaping the weather, the way the moon rules the tides.

i miss my friend. when i let myself. and sometimes, when i don't.

it seems an age since we've talked, but i find it hard to write. i don't know just how to pick up after time apart. as much as i hate the sound of 'goodbye,' it's the 'hello' after a distance that always catches in my throat.

i'm sad, thinking about the adventures we won't be having. the road just seems to have disappeared. but then, maybe that's the way everything should end. driving along, 100 mph, cruising...happily...and suddenly, the road just disappears. no less feeling. no unkind words. just an end.

i am usually the one to disappear, so i suppose it's really true that what goes around comes around. it's my turn to wait and watch the wheel of time eliminate old circumstances and initiate new ones, and my only response is to adapt. and, somewhere we live our real lives and i know they're our real lives because in real life there never was a space for 'us.' only work and family and words and a million other things.

still, i would like to think that as the sky grows darker, without being conscious of it, we'll begin to regain the intimacy...that somehow, we'll find our way back and slowly come into focus again.

i'd like that.