can you ever go home again?

tonight, j went back to the scene of the crime ... a place we once called 'home' and the one place we made a pact to never set foot in again. there's a message in that, i believe ... one i'm not interested in facing tonight.

it was a good move for him, i think. a night out with old friends, a chance to be feted and fawned over ... it's the least he deserves.

i don't suppose it was ever his fight anyway - it was me they didn't like. i am not the nicest person you will ever meet. i do not suffer fools gladly. i can alienate people in a single bound ...

... and i can never seem to remember that when the darkness of stupidity reigns it is best that my 'brilliance' stay hidden. some people do not appreciate my 'light' ... or my tongue.

i could have gone back, might have gone back, but i am crazy good at holding grudges. i certainly have the capacity for forgiveness, but i find that, like most things in life, it is a choice. i can choose to forgive. i can choose not to. in this instance, i choose not to.

does that make me sound bitter? because i don't feel bitter. i feel hopeful and sort of sleepy, but ... nope ... not a hint of bitter.

in fact, i'm happy that he went back. he belongs there. and i think he needs them more than i do. still. there are things there that i miss. friends. traditions. memories. though, not enough to take me back. though, if i'm honest, i have to say i never thought 'home' would end up where i don't belong.

who knows? maybe forgiveness will find me ...







but don't hold your breath.

fear of flying

fear of flying

i am home from my latest trip. this time, i was in dallas for a few days to see the new fall merchandise for the store. i think it takes longer to get to and through the airport than it does to actually fly there and back, but still, i enjoy the process. the airport is ripe with possibility. the entire world is, literally, at my feet and i adore the idea that at any minute, i could step through another gate and be on my way to some new and wonderful adventure.

as much as i love the airport, i do not love flying. well, that's not exactly true. i like flying. i do not like the 'taking off.' i do not like the 'landing.' i know people who can read, listen to their ipods, talk with their seat mate during these crucial flight times, but i am not one of them. nope. can't do it.

i quietly grip the armrest, close my eyes and hold my breath. in my head, i picture the people and pets i adore and say silent 'i love yous' to them all. i am convinced that it is these 'i love yous' and not physics or aerodynamics that allow the planes i'm aboard to ascend and alight safely.

ridiculous? perhaps. irrational? indeed. but still. it's what i do. and to date, i have a perfect record. yeah, me!