stupid is as stupid does

i am a fucking idiot. no. seriously. i am.

what else do you call someone who makes the same mistake over and over and over again - each time expecting a different result? (situationally insane?)

i've been making this same 'mistake' since the sixth grade when i ran for class president and john park confessed to me (in the midst of a kickball game) that he 'liked' me, but that he wanted to run for class president, too, and well, his friends would tease him something awful about losing to his 'girlfriend.' so, i let him win. and he promptly confessed that he never really liked me, he just wanted to be president.

(who among you didn't see that little development coming? ... am i the only one raising my hand?)

i liked him (and believed he liked me) and so i did what i could to make things 'better,' 'easier' for him. and so ... john park became the class president in mrs. knight's sixth grade class at greentree elementary school and i became a child of the 'golden rule,' an indentured servant to the ethic of reciprocity, bound to treat others as i would want to be treated myself.

in return, i have had my feelings handed to me in pieces more times than i can count. except that i can count them and recount them with great clarity, so i'll just say this once: WE ARE NOT IN THE SIXTH GRADE ANYMORE!

...

i'm sorry to yell at you. that's not really fair (is it?) on this day where i've taken everything personally. it's not your fault that i feel angry or hurt or a million different things tonight. it has nothing to do with you at all, except that you're a captive audience. and i'm not really ready to give the details, just know that if i were going to, it would be here because this is one of the places it feels safest to implode. still, i'm fighting that impulse. for now.

so i'll just say this day was long and tiresome and ... heartbreaking; not the heartbreak of losing a lover, but that of losing faith in myself - the sudden knowledge that maybe the world isn't in love with me or against me, just indifferent.

but, please - no kind words, no pep talks, no apologies for your absence, no questions. that's not what i came for, not what i want. of course, if i'm perfectly honest, i don't know what i want, except, i guess, a chance to rant, and so i have and so i thank you. and i'm sorry.

i need sleep. and food. and little green lights to stay lit a little bit longer. for now, i'll settle for sleep.