lullaby and goodnight

the night is coming down around me - cool and quiet...clouds so low i can reach up and touch them and to walk down the driveway is to actually be inside the rain. as summer made an appearance early in the week, what constitutes 'winter' felt compelled to do the same - the seasons here are spoiled children, competing for affection.

i am sleepy. vaguely overwrought. listening to a love song. feeling like i'm in a tunnel and looking for the light at the end of it. my playlist for this dark and rainy monday:

silent love song - jason mraz
flake - jack johnson
my favorite year - dixie chicks
at this point in my life - tracy chapman
undiscovered - james morrison
waiting in vain - annie lennox
reasons why - nickel creek
signal fire - snow patrol
what a good boy - barenaked ladies
language or the kiss - indigo girls
a case of you - joni mitchell
halfway home - jason mraz
i do - jude
you didn't kiss me - marry me jane
my happiness - powderfinger
dirty little secret - sara mclachlan
landslide - smashing pumpkins
the boy is gone - jason mraz

this is one of those times when i'll let the music take over and my body, soft and weak, will be carried along by its waves. i think i'll sink into it and sleep for a good long while.

(at least i hope i'll sleep. i know better, now, than to bait sleep. it comes when it wants - like the stray cats in my backyard - to feed and be allowed to lie awhile.)

wherever you are, i hope there is music, and clouds to wish within, and peaceful, dream-filled sleep.

happy birthday, amy!

darling amy...

happiest of birthdays, dear friend!

my wish for you is that you'll fly free and happy - beyond birthdays and across forever - and that throughout our long lives, you and i will meet, now and then...when we wish...in the midst of the one celebration that never can end.

and wherever you are tonight, i hope the rain has cleared and that you are looking up at the moon, with a beer in one hand and your husband's hand in the other...and that tomorrow gently breezes into your life carrying with it all the choicest of things and all that your heart holds dear.

i am ever so glad you were born.... la

why i write - for mr. a to z and junk food fans everywhere

i don't know exactly why i write to you.

it's a little weird, i know. i'm sending something of myself and there is no reason why anyone should respond. (i, myself, have been the recipient of about a million unwanted attentions...people claiming connections that seem so false to me.)

but i must admit, i do so love the small craziness of talking to strangers. i can just talk. say all the things i wouldn't say to acquaintances or best friends, because the context is entirely new. lots of times you meet someone and there is nothing to say, or you've been friends forever and there are all these things you can't say.

i kind of know this guy who recently lost a good friend and i've wanted to write about it since i read it, only i didn't, because the words wouldn't come. which seems...right, somehow. it is such a secret place, the land of tears.

i am able to say is that i understand that little stab of something that starts in the chest and plunges to the stomach...that causes you to turn around and around inside yourself...racing the years, chasing the light, until all you can do is surrender and let it erupt in whichever direction it chooses. it isn't the holding on that makes us stronger. it is the letting go. (just ask a caterpillar.)

and like him, i find myself separated from family and friends (though, as the days pass, i find that every distance is not so far). and when i need them most, my mind reaches out and finds them - a little surprise - like the cat that climbed through my bathroom window and curled up in the middle of my bed. i come home and find them there - comfortable, warm, close. the connection is so easy, so pure. and i like to think that each time they miss me, a star falls down from the sky. so that any time i look up, into a dark, starless night, i know exactly how much i am loved.

oh, and he recently wrote about giving up junk food in favor of 'palate discipline.' that is such a dumb idea. especially since i'm not entirely convinced that ice cream and movie popcorn aren't the path to enlightenment. he and i may be two of the founding members of a new religion - one where ben, jerry and orville redenbacher serve as the father, son and holy ghost.

can you imagine the communion? yummy.

waking up

i am un-thusiastic about mondays. and, coming off a three day weekend...monday...well, it hurts my soul.

fortunately, for this particular monday, i'm not due into work until the afternoon; coffee was already made and hot when i padded into the kitchen; and bitta honey, my favorite song of all time, by my favorite band of all time, mingo fishtrap, was the song i awoke to. let's hear it for monday!

it was a lovely weekend, to be sure. not so long that i found myself bored. not so short that i dread going back to work. it was relaxing and, in many ways, enlightening. this is what i learned:

daniel craig might just possibly be the hottest james bond...ever.

thirteen-year-old morgan pozgar was crowned national texting champion after she typed "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" in 15 seconds. her family estimates she sends something like 8,000 text messages a month. i think morgan needs a hobby.

my cat fits perfectly atop my monitor and can fall asleep to the sound of my keyboard.

a fruity cocktail is not only fun to drink, it now counts as health food. seriously. researchers found that adding ethanol boosted the antioxidant nutrients in strawberries and blackberries. apparently any colored fruit might be made even more healthful with the addition of a splash of alcohol. (no word on whether the tiny umbrella has any additional effect.)

zach braff isn't just cute, the boy can act. sadly, keanu reeves still cannot.

while a kiss is just a kiss...when it comes to tongues, nothing compares with the effect of chocolate...did you know that people get more of a buzz from eating chocolate than from passionately kissing? apparently, at the point chocolate melts in your mouth, every area of the brain is stimulated far more intensely and far longer than from kissing. (i think it really must depend on who you're kissing.) this info. comes from british researchers, which might explain things. i dated a guy from england once. the accent? swoon-worthy. the kissing part? not so good.

i am a fool for april. the sun heating the pavement, the breeze, the green arriving in little bits after a sudden thunderstorm...i adore the unpredictability of it all. everything shaking off winter in its own way.

newt gingrich is still an idiot. after columbine, he laid the blame on liberals: 'i want to say to the elite of this country - the elite news media, the liberal academic elite, the liberal political elite: i accuse you…of being afraid to talk about the mess you have made, and being afraid to take responsibility for things you have done, and instead foisting upon the rest of us pathetic banalities because you don't have the courage to look at the world you have created.' george stephanopoulos asked newt if he would apply those same words to the virginia tech tragedy. "yes," said gingrich. (personally, i like to blame the liberals every time my car breaks down. my mechanic says i'm wrong. but what does he know? he's a liberal.)

no matter how hard i try, i cannot sleep past 8:55 a.m. dammit.

president bush really is, in fact, the stupidest man on earth. over the weekend, he said attorney general alberto gonzales' testimony before congress 'increased' his 'confidence' in his ability to lead the justice department. i don't even know what to say about this.

on second thought, after reading the above, i do know what to say...this country should feel a little ridiculous about the fact that al gore couldn't become president because he worked for a guy who got a blow job. he wasn't even the guy who got the blow job. he is, however, the guy trying to save the planet. but, who wants a guy like that leading the nation?

lastly, this weekend i learned - or rather, was reminded - the best rewards comes from within, given to yourself for a job well done. you know what's also good? a pedicure, some ice cream and a little bit of mingo fishtrap.ooh. ice cream and bitta honey...i think i'll have some of both before i leave for work.

happy monday!

of birthdays, the whispers of the universe and repaying my karmic debt

birthdays are a great way to celebrate all that we are and all that we are becoming. i have a birthday coming up. a milestone, actually. and as it approaches, i find myself struggling with the questions eternal and leafing through girlhood dreams.

astrology tells me that i am in a 'six week cycle.' i am receiving all the tests of the entire year in these last six weeks. and before i can receive my new energy (and gifts) i must close out the books on karma and my debt to life. (this would explain my fits of melancholy and my run in with the automobile.)

this must also be why the universe has been whispering to me - wondering how it is i've gone off in eleven different directions from where i began and where i want to be. i whisper back - because i'm not sure we're supposed to live with an iron control that excludes those different directions - 'our lives aren't intended to and shouldn't be just about ourselves and our plans - but about the world and everything in it.' (i know it hears me because the moon arrived a few minutes ago in the shape of a smile.)

so...for the next 30 days - i am going to concentrate on settling my karmic debt. i will try to let 'thank you' and 'i'm sorry' slip naturally off my tongue. i will try to notice how much others do for me and i will try to do more for others. and maybe then, the 'jolts' of the last (and next) few weeks will subside, with no lasting effects, save for the reminder that things are not stable, linear or predictable - i am always in flux. life is about balancing, not about being balanced. the sense of imbalance is exhilarating and reminds me of the fragility of life; nudges me to appreciate each imperfect, teetering moment i am alive...giving me a sense of my own place in this swirling universe.

with that in mind, part of me wants to race toward may 22 to see what lies ahead and to see the amazing life that awaits...to see how i'll craft it in respect to my view of the world and make it possible for me to rest in places between those of convention...to do what it is i love most and to experience...to discover - freely...all the things i've ever wanted and those i do not yet know i long for.

i remember, now, that i am the most glorious of possibilities. and i look damn good for my age.

good night, moon

tonight, the moon looks surprisingly unmoonlike. more like a round girl, sitting in the dark with her slip showing. or a jar of fireflies.

here at home, there is one star dangling beneath it and another hovering nearby - they have jumped overboard and are now swimming freely in the dark waters of the night.

i am told this ashen glow, this marvel of nature, is the blue shadow of the earth reflecting back and bathing the moon's backside in its soft, faint light. scientists call it 'earthshine;' poets: 'the old moon in the new moon's arms.' i shall call it 'mine.'

for this moon faced girl often sits in the dark with her slip showing...her little bits of light escaping into the spring night air. darkness and light all at once; the old self being cradled by the new.

to 'awesome possum power'; to 'abracadabra'; and to being all lit up inside

HELLO! (she says loudly, cheerfully; arms outstretched above her, fingers splayed and wiggling, her t-shirt riding up just enough to give her belly button a peak around the room.)

don't you just love fridays?

this morning, i am in love with just about everything. the breeze. my enormous cup of coffee. the cats lying about in the grass out back. the ups guy who brought me what i hope is a glimpse of my not-so-distant future in the form of some treats from my favorite bath shop in del mar (just down the road from my beloved pacific beach). and i am in love with becoming what i am becoming.

i am comfortable with my place. this is just the way it's supposed to be right now. lucky me! i know my stars will align and 'abracadabra!' a new adventure will reveal itself; until then i move about - chock full of hope - with an easy smile - a fury of delight. (wow! it never ceases to amaze how a good night's sleep can clear the cobwebs from my soul and allow me to wake up happy, energized and singing.)

yesterday was this amazing day, but i expended so much energy leading up to and through it that when it was over, i was spent. i could probably have been counted on to conjure up a bit of liveliness, had there been someone around to celebrate with, but on this particular night, there wasn't. my family is so far away and as much as i love it when friends call up and say, 'hey - guess what wonderful thing happened to me today...' - i always feel a bit uncomfortable doing that myself. (i suppose there is still a part of me that worries my light will shine too brightly in someone else's eyes.)

so, i sat, turning around inside myself. stalling. looking for my center and losing it moment by moment...until there was nothing left to do but tumble into bed. i awoke in the same position in which i fell asleep. i didn't move. i didn't dream...and here i am! happy. high flying. idealistic. looking for beauty. and, as always, just a little messy.

our walk-through was smooth and easy and surprisingly quick. our store is lovely. our numbers are out of this world. and it was nice to be able to show it off a bit. yesterday was also the dreaded performance review. i say 'dreaded' because under normal circumstances the exercise is absurd...and i have flashbacks to my experiences at other jobs (the boss who told me that although i was good at just about everything, my personality was too big and my success made other people feel badly about themselves, so could i try to do a little less...) here, though, it's different. the 'review' is more of a discussion about what we've done the past year, what we're good at and where we want to go in the future. this year, it evolved into a bit of a lovefest - i told them how much i love my job and they told me how much they love the way i do my job and how much they love me. (and i got embarrassed and found myself squirming in my seat a little.)

as one of our big wigs was leaving, i took her aside to thank her and she closed the door, took hold of both my hands and said, 'thank you is not necessary. you are exceptional. in everything you do. and in everything you say. simply exceptional. you bring so much joy and light and energy to every room you walk into, we are lucky you chose us. and i think you understand, in the way truly exceptional people do, exactly what you're capable of and not only the responsibility that holds, but the possibilities it brings. and i can't wait to see what you do next. oh, and if you ever forget how special you are - you call me and i'll remind you.'

i was stunned and speechless. when someone else believes in the you that you have created, the one that you don't even quite believe in yourself, it is just about the biggest ego boost ever. to think about it now is to smile so wide my mouth hurts.

in a funny kind of way, the events of the last days are leading me to believe that i can actually will good things to happen. i make a wish into the open air or onto the page and by letting it go, i let the universe do the rest. it's my 'awesome possum power' to the nth degree.

oh my. the morning, like my coffee, is nearly gone - and the afternoon and evening (and the rest of the weekend, for that matter) are wide open. i'll likely stay close to home for a bit and clean - i cannot relax when the house is a mess. (sometimes, i am truly my mother's daughter.) maybe later i'll disappear for an afternoon, light fading and beautiful. it must be said, in this moment, that i am impossibly happy. how could i be anything but? and if there is light outside your window, you might mistake it for the sun, but i think it's me. all lit up inside.

god save the queen

'the horror of that moment,' the king went on, 'i shall never, never forget!' 'you will, though,' the queen said, 'if you don't make a memorandum of it.' ~lewis carroll, through the looking glass

light is bleeding through the window. replacing an evening in sharp edges.

i imagine the events of yesterday have everyone contemplating the great sweep of time and space, wondering about the peculiar evolutionary magic that puts us -and not someone else- at a particular time in a universe still expanding.

the news has made me sad and sick. not just for the lives that were cut short, but for the twisted dance that will inevitably follow. the media circus. the political parade. the ruthless search for blame. a symphony of manipulation.

the need to put a face on the pain does us all a disservice. there are some things that aren't meant for us to understand; just as there are things we aren't meant to dwell upon. as unmistakable as the horror was, i trust our capacity for forgiveness and for faith is inexhaustible. we craft today, create tomorrow, through our own choices...and i pray this story reminds us to listen to the voice inside and make a difference in the life we currently live.

the queen of hearts was right. the horror will subside, if we let it, and if we don't waste time contemplating the 'what if' when we can move forward into the 'what is' and 'what will be' and fill those moments with grace and gratitude and beauty.

may god bless the virginia tech family. and god save the queen.