Wednesday, April 18, 2007

to 'awesome possum power'; to 'abracadabra'; and to being all lit up inside

HELLO! (she says loudly, cheerfully; arms outstretched above her, fingers splayed and wiggling, her t-shirt riding up just enough to give her belly button a peak around the room.)

don't you just love fridays?

this morning, i am in love with just about everything. the breeze. my enormous cup of coffee. the cats lying about in the grass out back. the ups guy who brought me what i hope is a glimpse of my not-so-distant future in the form of some treats from my favorite bath shop in del mar (just down the road from my beloved pacific beach). and i am in love with becoming what i am becoming.

i am comfortable with my place. this is just the way it's supposed to be right now. lucky me! i know my stars will align and 'abracadabra!' a new adventure will reveal itself; until then i move about - chock full of hope - with an easy smile - a fury of delight. (wow! it never ceases to amaze how a good night's sleep can clear the cobwebs from my soul and allow me to wake up happy, energized and singing.)

yesterday was this amazing day, but i expended so much energy leading up to and through it that when it was over, i was spent. i could probably have been counted on to conjure up a bit of liveliness, had there been someone around to celebrate with, but on this particular night, there wasn't. my family is so far away and as much as i love it when friends call up and say, 'hey - guess what wonderful thing happened to me today...' - i always feel a bit uncomfortable doing that myself. (i suppose there is still a part of me that worries my light will shine too brightly in someone else's eyes.)

so, i sat, turning around inside myself. stalling. looking for my center and losing it moment by moment...until there was nothing left to do but tumble into bed. i awoke in the same position in which i fell asleep. i didn't move. i didn't dream...and here i am! happy. high flying. idealistic. looking for beauty. and, as always, just a little messy.

our walk-through was smooth and easy and surprisingly quick. our store is lovely. our numbers are out of this world. and it was nice to be able to show it off a bit. yesterday was also the dreaded performance review. i say 'dreaded' because under normal circumstances the exercise is absurd...and i have flashbacks to my experiences at other jobs (the boss who told me that although i was good at just about everything, my personality was too big and my success made other people feel badly about themselves, so could i try to do a little less...) here, though, it's different. the 'review' is more of a discussion about what we've done the past year, what we're good at and where we want to go in the future. this year, it evolved into a bit of a lovefest - i told them how much i love my job and they told me how much they love the way i do my job and how much they love me. (and i got embarrassed and found myself squirming in my seat a little.)

as one of our big wigs was leaving, i took her aside to thank her and she closed the door, took hold of both my hands and said, 'thank you is not necessary. you are exceptional. in everything you do. and in everything you say. simply exceptional. you bring so much joy and light and energy to every room you walk into, we are lucky you chose us. and i think you understand, in the way truly exceptional people do, exactly what you're capable of and not only the responsibility that holds, but the possibilities it brings. and i can't wait to see what you do next. oh, and if you ever forget how special you are - you call me and i'll remind you.'

i was stunned and speechless. when someone else believes in the you that you have created, the one that you don't even quite believe in yourself, it is just about the biggest ego boost ever. to think about it now is to smile so wide my mouth hurts.

in a funny kind of way, the events of the last days are leading me to believe that i can actually will good things to happen. i make a wish into the open air or onto the page and by letting it go, i let the universe do the rest. it's my 'awesome possum power' to the nth degree.

oh my. the morning, like my coffee, is nearly gone - and the afternoon and evening (and the rest of the weekend, for that matter) are wide open. i'll likely stay close to home for a bit and clean - i cannot relax when the house is a mess. (sometimes, i am truly my mother's daughter.) maybe later i'll disappear for an afternoon, light fading and beautiful. it must be said, in this moment, that i am impossibly happy. how could i be anything but? and if there is light outside your window, you might mistake it for the sun, but i think it's me. all lit up inside.


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