Friday, June 13, 2008

luck is in the eye of the beholder

it's friday the 13th and i'm wondering ... what are you afraid of?

for me it's lizards and stage mothers ... having my car towed again ... tori spelling ... calamari ... never escaping a past i did not help create.

yesterday was the first in my long line of very early mornings. rising with the moon, feeling the weight of my job as i pour myself into bed later. (i love this time of year. i do not enjoy the actual waking, though ... looking at the clock in the dark and knowing i need to leave the warmth of my dreams hurts my feelings a little.) and the morning was especially dark.

the events themselves are not important. when viewed independently, they are comical almost - their depth and breadth not nearly as heavy as their collective weight. they will make great stories ... next week ... and i will almost be unable to tell them, laughing so hard in their midst i will have to pause for breath to continue. but i was crushed under their weight ... crushed under the wait for that kinder, gentler, easier sort of day. the kind others seem to pass through with ease and without knowledge that it could ever be any different.

as it turns out ... i didn't have to wait long.

i sent out a distress call and before i knew it, that bitter adrenaline taste in my mouth was replaced by hot coffee and cinnamon toast, delivered by a good friend who traveled a long way to get to me.

the things i worried most about, never came to pass. work sorted itself out in my brief absence. (what a joy it is to know i've not only taught them how to walk ... i've taught them how to fly!) the line at the dmv was nonexistent and the fees, smaller than i'd dared to dream.

there were other tiny joys ... a good hair day ... the soft and familiar feel of my favorite tshirt ... lunch with the girls ... getting a part in a play that i really wanted ... the warm summer sun in a big blue sky ... a cold, cold beer ... and finally lighting the candles in my new space and enjoying the sound of nothing at all ...

it's friday the 13th, and what i'm really afraid of ... are the things i miss when i'm afraid. afraid to ask for help; afraid to trust my instincts; afraid to believe that there is nothing to be afraid of.

and those butterflies? as it turns out, they haven't settled. they've just left for greener girls. and in their place there is warmth and peace and delicious possibility.

i am a lucky girl, indeed.


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